I just realized.
I'm angry. I'm angry about everything. Don't get me wrong, I realize that I'm blessed. Blessed to be alive, blessed to be able to get by and pay some bills when I can. But when I look around me, I can't help but to be upset about things.
My little sis, one of the loves of my life got a new car today. And honestly, Heaven knows, I couldn't be happier. For her. But when it comes to me, not so much. I look at my car, which is approximately 18 years old. Just had an accident, runs hot, and the check engine light lives on my dashboard. Now, most people would ask... you make decent money, why not go get your own new car? Because there's a 15 THOUSAND dollar charge off on my credit from where I signed for a van for my mom, and she one day decided NOT to pay the note EVER again and allowed the van to be towed away when she discarded it to the side. I have a judgment on my credit report from where the State of California garnished my wages, because of that VERY van.... as well as 15 hundred dollar Verizon bill and a couple other miscellaneous bills that my mom had in my name. Not to say that I have been the best in keeping up my credit, but the big ticket items, the items the credit union questioned me about when I applied for a loan to get another car, they all came from my mother's misuse of my credit.
I moved out when I was 17... been on my own ever since. No one supported me. I always had to pay my own bills. I couldn't afford to put myself through college AND pay rent and bills... so college couldn't happen. Now, I can't get the jobs I know I can do, because I don't have the degree. I couldn't stay home with my parents and focus on school. I didn't have that luxury. Even when I did live with my mom, a month or two here and there, I was REQUIRED to pay. Rent and bills. And don't let me get started on my excuse for a father. I was living on my own paying rent and bills, got in school and got what little financial aid i could get. But that did not cover all of the expenses. I called my piss poor excuse for a father and asked him for a LOAN to get my books and that negro called my mom and told her "I must be crazy asking him for any money" b/c I was living with my boyfriend at the time. Simply because I was put out of the house at a young age. I watch myself supply my sisters with every little desire I can, because I never want them to feel the way I felt, but then I just think about what struggles I endured when I was their age. The things I wasn't afforded. Now at thirty, I expected to assist in taking care of them. When I don't mind, because I LOVE them with every fiber of my being. But at what point does anyone take care of me? And I not good enough for that? Does no one care enough about ME to lighten MY load?
At what point do people say, you know what... you do so much for others, let us help you. I had a friend today ask me if I wanted to buy something from her. All I could think about is all of the free things (clothes, shoes, hair styles, appliances, etc) I've given to my friends over the years. But when this particular friend has something that I may be interested in, she wants to SELL it to me. Or she'll get her hair done for free by me, but when she has the money to pay for it, she'll go pay SOMEONE ELSE. Or how about the friend who stays with you for minimal rent to get on their feet, and then just the week before they know you're getting laid off, they tell you their moving in with a friend who lives in his father's apartment building and only pays utilities, but only because HE NEEDS IT. Huh? I'M about to be laid off and without money and you're giving him the money because HE NEEDS IT? I could go on and on, and I hate to do that because I feel like a complainer. The Bible says do onto others as you would have them do onto you. Does this mean that I should start taking the stances that other people take with me? Because if they're doing this to me, they must want me to act this way to them? And in no way am I saying that any of the people I mentioned are not good people. At all. Well... maybe that sperm donor of mine... but everyone else I feel have genuinely good hearts and are great people to be around. But I think I'm self-sacrificial to a fault and I expect people to be the same way. And no one's like me. I don't know how to be first on my list. I always think about what everyone else would feel like if I did certain things. And I feel like there are more people in the world who can depend on me than there are people who I can depend on.
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling misused, discarded, disregarded, under appreciated, less than, not worthy. I hate it. And I'm so angry about it. I feel like I need to talk to someone. Anyone. Someone who will understand... or at least care enough to try. Someone who is not so wrapped in their own life that they will take the time to hear me. To help me through it. To help me mange this anger before it destroys me more than it already has.
